what about the boys? FORBES re-blog

Passing on yet another great article for male survivors, written by Todd Essig, of FORBES.

Todd Essig

Todd Essig, Contributor

The Penn State NCAA Penalties: What About The Boys?

Today’s news includes the NCAA sanctioning Penn State for its complicit silence when administration learned of possible sexual abuse perpetrated by Jerry Sandusky. Lots of details, and of course the inevitable controversy in which people line up on two sides and shout “too severe” and “too lenient” at each other (as well as people like me who think the NCAA got it right). In the midst of this media maelstrom it is easy to forget what this is all about: the sexual abuse of boys by a powerful adult gratifying his sexual desires at their expense.

To keep the boys in mind in mind I turned to my friend and colleague, Richard Gartner, Ph.D., who is a pioneer in the treatment and study of male sexual victimization.  His most recent book is Beyond Betrayal: Taking Charge of Your Life after Boyhood Sexual Abuse. I’m reprinting the following with his permission. It’s a piece he wrote several years ago to remind people about the consequences of the sexual abuse of boys. It applies just as well today to Penn State as it did previously to Michael Jackson and renegade priests:

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Now that Michael Jackson has gone to find a new Neverland and renegade priests are yesterday’s news, the public may mistakenly assume the problem of childhood sexual abuse has vanished as well.

But what about the boys? By age 16, as many as one in six boys in America has had unwanted sex with an adult or older child. And what about the millions of men, abused as children, who continue to live with the debilitating effects of shattered trust?

Unfortunately, the media did little to explore the lasting effects of boyhood sexual abuse, instead focusing mainly on the daily tribulations of a wayward pop star and the crises of a church that harbored predators. But at least those scandals brought boyhood abuse into the public discourse – at least we can talk about it now.

It’s disturbing to think about what it means to a boy when he’s sexually abused by someone he trusts. Uncomfortable as we feel, however, we must either face the reality of his experience or continue to live with its aftermath.

Abusers use their age or authority to satisfy their own needs without regard to those of their victims. Seemingly unbreakable bonds are broken when treachery is introduced into these relationships. Consequently, many sexually abused boys grow up distrustful, considering people dishonest, malevolent, and undependable. They often become frightened of emotional connection and isolate themselves. This may alternate with merging with loved ones so they hardly know where they end and others begin.

Confusing affection with abuse, desire with tenderness, sexually abused boys often become men who have difficulty distinguishing among sex, love, nurturance, affection, and abuse. They may experience friendly interpersonal approaches as seductive and manipulative. On the other hand, they may not notice when exploitative demands are made on them – they’ve learned to see these as normal and acceptable.

Believing sexual closeness is the way to feel loved but experiencing love as abuse, some of these men solve their dilemma by engaging in frequent, indiscriminate, and compulsive sexual encounters. These are not free, joyous expressions of erotic passion. Sex is pursued incessantly, but with little chance for intimacy. Although strongly desiring love, these men have no sense of feeling loved once the sex act is concluded. They’re left feeling empty and lonely, while the idea of fully pursuing relationships fills them with dread. Many believe sexually abused boys almost inevitably become sexually abusive men. But, while a significant proportion of male abusers were victims themselves, there’s evidence that relatively few sexually abused boys actually become abusers. Because of the myth, however, many men fear they’ll become abusive or worry that if they disclose their history, others will consider them predators.

Sexually abused boys are also troubled if they were aroused while being abused. Teenagers have little control over the hormones surging through their bodies. But if they’re stimulated by aspects of their experience, they may feel they participated in or even invited the abuse. This confuses a boy who also knows he was repelled by the experience. Feeling guilty about any sexual pleasure he felt during his molestation, he may become ambivalent about all sexual pleasure.

Also, masculine gender expectations teach boys they can’t be victims. Boys are supposed to be competitive, resilient, self-reliant, and independent, but certainly not emotionally needy. “Real” men initiate sexual activity and want sex whenever it’s offered, especially by women. For many men, these qualities define masculinity.

As a result, boys may not even recognize their sexual victimization. They may assert that they weren’t abused, weren’t hurt, or were in charge of what happened. For them, acknowledging victimization means admitting they’re weak or “not male.”

Finally, when the abuser is male (and even sometimes when she is female), many boys – whether straight or gay – develop fears and concerns about sexual orientation. Conventional wisdom says sexual abuse turns boys gay, although there’s no persuasive evidence that premature sexual activity fundamentally changes sexual orientation. Nevertheless, a heterosexual boy is likely to doubt himself, wondering why he was chosen by a man for sex. A homosexual boy may feel rushed into considering himself gay, or may hate his homosexuality because he believes it was caused by his abuse. Whether boys are gay or straight, these manipulative introductions to sexuality can set lifetime patterns of exploitation and self-destructive behavior.

These aftereffects are ugly. They’re not only painful for victims but also costly to our society. Boys who grow up without coming to terms with their childhood abuse often struggle as men with addictions, anxiety, depression, and thoughts of suicide as well as the inability to develop or maintain relationships.

The good news: healing is possible. A first step is acknowledging abuse occurred and articulating what has been silenced. Putting the experience into words is freeing for many men, whether they tell a loved one, a professional, a confidant, or simply write in a journal. Beyond that, there are several options. Knowledgeable professionals can help, as can healing retreats, some 12-Step programs, and men’s groups focused on victimization and masculinity. The Internet offers several options, including web sites for sexually abused men such as www.malesurvivor.org, where men can find one another and talk, anonymously if necessary, about their common dilemmas.

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One thought on “what about the boys? FORBES re-blog

  1. Very important post, thank you. I’m also frustrated by the fact that so many people still have yet to absorb what happened at Penn State, and that the victims keep being forgotten. It was the reaction to the NCAA sanctions that inspired my post earlier this week on exactly this matter.

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